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*HUGS* TOTAL!
give carrieaki more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own


by [info]heartdivide

well, some parts of my journal are friends-only.
don't be shy! <3

This Month
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Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 07:17 pm love/hate relationship with summer
Feeling: hot
Music: the flatmates "happy all the time"
living in 100 degree concord with my parents is really grating on me

so i escape to my wonderful san francisco as often as i can.

last night was a free concierge dinner, at an absolutely exquisite japanese restaurant (ozumo) .. i don't even consider myself a huge fan of japanese food but OH MY GOD, everything was so insanely delicious. they filled us up with beautiful small plates of so many things and lots of sake, until we were all completely satisfied and just a little bit tipsy; sure, i'll recommend your restaurant! we had this incredible triple-layer tuna/avocado/cheese thing, and very tender grilled filet mignon, and at least six or seven other dishes. the girl who worked there shared an anecdote of one woman who tried their famous miso-marinated black cod, which just melts in your mouth with the most delicate heavenly soft tangy flavor... and she said it was a transcendental experience on a plate, and she declined to eat any dessert because she wanted to leave with the taste of the cod on her lips. YEAH. trust me, it actually IS that good. however, i definitely wasn't going to deny myself the dessert: sweet strawberry mochi ice cream and tropical fruits with rich chocolate fondue.. ohhhhh please let me have oodles of money, so i will be able to afford to eat at this place someday??!? damn, my job certainly has perks!

i just hope i can keep the job for as long as possible... after 3 new concierges (tamika, dan and i) were hired, two older ones were laid off. my front-desk clerk friend told me it's because the previous concierges were paid $14/hour, and the new ones are only paid $10/hour. gotta cut costs :/ so i'm a little concerned about being more productive. i'm on morgan's good side now, i want to keep it that way.


also i want to say



ian makes me :)

i'm still falling in love.
juicy fruity tangy yum
Jul. 8th, 2009 @ 10:09 pm doo dooo doooooooo
Feeling: chipper
Music: the magnetic fields "parades go by"
my cat just ate spinach flavored pasta!

i saw this really great michael jackson impersonator at the powell bart station, he was doing that crazy ankle-twitchy moonwalk dancing thing forever. totally had the right outfit too.

ummmm i still have to write a paper tonight, thus: livejournal!

my last day of summer school is tomorrow =]

i have this really adorable new gay buddy named andrew from my media performance class. i told him i want to party in the castro and he was like "omg sweetie you are always welcome with me!" and then we were talking about pretty boys in our class. he's soooo funny

yesterday it was our classmate janelle's 21st birthday and when our prof dina found out, she immediately said, "what?! why aren't we drinking?!??" even though it was like 9:30am... and then a couple of people left class to buy baileys (to go with the coffee that michelle brings every morning because she works at starbucks) ... oh i am going to miss this class!

and also my anthro class.... even though i was flabbergasted with it in the beginning... it kinda won me over. we read a really good book (savages, by joe kane) and learned some phrases in an ancient language and did tightrope walking and tug-of-war and flinging people into the air when we all pulled on a tarp underneath them, and self defense and sword fighting and storytelling and dream interpretation and yoga! :p

i'm really happy even though i have a lot of work to do right now! hfkglgld
jolly pink blob swirlies
Jul. 4th, 2009 @ 02:32 am whyyy can't i sleeeppp
Current Location: concord
Feeling: cranky
Music: the dead weather "i cut like a buffalo"
hey check out the dead weather! jack white plays drums :D

on thursday after school i went to the haight and some dude smoked me out at hippie hill and this crazy old deadhead told me about hand signals that engineers use and then i saw these 2 homeless ladies fighting with each other about their territory or something and i was thinking how sad it was, to be so angry on hippie hill... then lots of cops came. and i left, and i met my parents at the orpheum theatre downtown.

...and we saw WICKED! my mom convinced my dad to buy tickets because he had a special discount code. and it was very very good. especially the actresses playing galinda and elphaba, and all the scenery/special effects, really classy production. i should finish reading the book, i've been so scattered and busy... one more week of school and then maybe i can do things like read lots of books and improve my knitting skillz and... attempt to learn guitar? after dating for something like 7 months i just found out that ian plays guitar??!! WTF. THAT IS SO HOT :O

erm. i'm very pissed at my dad and stressed about money, but that is a never-ending battle with him. the best thing i can do is accept that he doesn't want to support me in any way except paying tuition/rent during the school year, and try to minimize everything else that i will now have to pay for. because apparently now that i have a JOB, he says he no longer needs to give me any money at all. (even though my job isn't high-paying and requires me to pay $10.60 every day i take BART from concord, and i don't get paid until next week.) so i have to pay for my own phone and food and transportation and fun things (ha, riiiight) and ANYTHING that is not directly related to school. it will be better when i'm living in SF again because i won't have to pay for BART. i'm so frustrated, i am a full-time student and i SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY YET!!!!! but he isn't going to pay for anything and my mom can't give me money without him knowing about it. so i have to fucking make this work somehow. stay at ian's more so i won't have to pay for BART every day. my largest monthly expenses are transportation and phone, i can minimize my spending on everything else. even if that means i have to eat top ramen and pb&j sandwiches until i can afford to rent an apartment on my own and be totally fucking independent. i have zero savings. i need to save save save save save as much money as i can.

my dad doesn't want me to work, he doesn't want me to have money, he wants to hold power over me, he wants me to be dependent on him. i can't wait until i'm not.
moist angry pussy!
Jun. 29th, 2009 @ 02:18 am so um
Feeling: groggy
fghjjhdgdh

seriously i can't believe i have only been writing here once a week

it's too blasted HOTTTTTT in concord!!!! GRAHHH

i have been ridiculously moody this week. i know some of it is PMS depression and irritability but jeez, JEEZ, i'm like filled with this horrible bitchy RAGE sometimes. i've been getting hysterical about really stupid shit. my mom has been pretty nice and gave me $20 for no reason and also bought me some clothes for work. the next morning, i screamed at her and told her to fuck off and i forgot that it was her birthday =[
i've also been edgy with ian and he doesn't fucking deserve that.

i really need to stop, i can't keep doing this to people. it's an unhealthy way to let off steam. i feel like shit, so i try to rebel against my negative feelings by making someone else feel like shit. pick a fight with someone who loves you, you know they won't stop loving you. but i hate myself for doing it.


my job is getting a lot better. i'm feeling more confident and it is really nice. i trained with morgan the first couple of times and i felt that i could never be as good as she is, but i realized it's because her style is just REALLY intense, super fast-talking, joking and always finding a way to make a personal connection with the guest. then i trained with a concierge named sarah, and she has a style that i feel more comfortable with. she's friendly but it's not overwhelming. she's more sweet than intense. she told me her secrets, like using online reviews to recommend places she has never been. well, OBVIOUSLY that's what people do, but i'm glad i have permission. it makes the whole job a lot more manageable to know it's okay to cheat like that, haha. i feel so out of my league recommending fancy five star restaurants to these rich people from florida. i'm just a kid with no way to afford eating out like they can. but when i'm working, i'm the fucking authority figure for fine dining recommendations. it's so weird.

morgan is giving me lots of great hours, this week i am working monday, friday, saturday and sunday. every day i am available to work. i am only getting paid $10/hourly which is just slightly over minimum wage in SF, which is ridiculous because being a knowledgeable concierge requires a lot more effort than many jobs that would pay about the same. so i'm really motivated to get the bonuses for booking timeshare promotion guests, i want the money and i want to prove myself. so i am looking forward to trying it on my own. my first day doing it alone will be saturday.

my left big toe has been kind of numb for a while, i wonder if it is a side effect/interaction of meds, OR (more likely) maybe it was my stupid idea to wear heels to work one day, which really was not smart... i changed into sneakers immediately after i was done, and it felt like there was a rock in my shoe. it was so bad. standing up for 6-8 hours isn't easy no matter what kind of shoes you are wearing, so i'm definitely not putting my poor feet through that kind of abuse again. the donatello is the only hotel where i'll be standing up most of the time, the other 2 locations have actual concierge desks with CHAIRS, rather than a narrow booth with a high counter where you have to stand up. you can't even really fit a chair in there.

aside from the blisters, work is great. i feel so much more cheerful after i've been working, i feel like i've accomplished something. i know i'm getting better at this stuff, i'm overcoming my shitty sense of direction! and there is a lot of support and positive reinforcement, it's a good environment. i think it WILL be okay. :)

i have a paper due tuesday and i meant to do some of it tonight. but it's late and i have class + work tomorrow, so i'll do homework after that. i will not sleep monday night, and i'll get my shit done, and then i'll be a zombie on tuesday. i'm not getting paid to do anything on tuesday, so that will be fine.

time for BED
starry city night
Jun. 21st, 2009 @ 06:32 pm so busyyyy
Current Location: concord
Feeling: uncomfortable
Music: man man "banana ghost"
agh! crazy life

i've been rushing around doing things and sometimes it's happy and sometimes i just feel stressed and freaked out. i don't sleep much at all during the week and it's getting awful. got a short-term prescription for ambien -- which i immediately traded for sonata because i read and heard that ambien is SCARY SHIT. i haven't used it yet. i always sleep well on weekends. i'm now taking a fairly high dose of my mood stabilizer, it worked great for a few days after i increased the dose last time, but i think it's time to do it again. i've been pretty edgy. negative thoughts, poor self-esteem and being paranoid and ridiculous in general. i told ian that i knew we were going to break up and he was like, "umm, let me know when? i have no plans to leave you." why can't i just relax??? i'm nervous all the time. also i guess ian flicked a penny and it landed smack on my head and freaked me out so much that i started crying??? :/

OKAY TIME FOR GOOD NEWS

i got the job!!! started training yesterday. i'm a little nervous... you really have to think on your feet... hotel concierges are expected to know EVERYTHING. a lot of the job is giving people restaurant/activity recommendations and directions, so i really need to KNOW that kind of info. the most important part of the job is making friendly small-talk, getting people comfortable while you learn as much as you can about them (so you can invite them to a timeshare info session and bribe them with a gift you think they would like) ... i need to be a lot more outgoing and confident.. it's hard right now because i don't know what to say to them. but morgan, my manager who hired me, says that my personality and communication skills will be perfect for the position, she says i have a very friendly voice and she really thinks i will do well. i hope so. she was impressed with my phone sales experience, when i sold airtime/requested donations for kvhs. but that was only over the phone, less personal... and i wasn't really a successful salesperson there, i got lucky sometimes. i know i can be friendly and helpful, but i need to get comfortable with everything. meh. morgan makes it look easy. she can talk to anyone without being awkward or running out of things to say, and she can do this while she is on the computer or filling out forms. she's doing a million things at once, yet she seems so relaxed and chatty. she helps out people who didn't realize they needed help, and they are so grateful and happy afterward. i need to get used to everything and not be so fucking shy and awkward!! definitely need to work on my confidence. so this is a little stressful but it will be important experience. people skills are crucial for most jobs, especially in media when it's all about who you know, and who likes you. so. i need to not suck. and you know what, i'm not going to suck! because I'm AWESOME. ian told me i need to believe this. working on it.

school is good, i just need to NOT procrastinate on reading and assignments for my anthro class. even though we play all the time in class, we have to do some serious work outside of class. thankfully there are no papers in media performance. i have missed production/performance classes. very excited for the health documentary one that i am taking in the fall.

saw the movie AWAY WE GO ... i absolutely loved it!!!!!! wonderful acting. warm & tender & sad & LOL-hilarious. so good.
this will be my home someday
Jun. 14th, 2009 @ 12:47 am just a couple o' things that i stole from other places
Feeling: weird
i want to share these with the entire world! make sure your volume is up!

holy crap pure awesomeness ... and free music download here at last.fm

i want to live like this. [oh hey there are naked people. you have been warned.]

:)
juicy fruity tangy yum
Jun. 13th, 2009 @ 04:35 pm LIFE!
Current Location: concord
Feeling: chipper
Music: black moth super rainbow "jump into my mouth and breathe"
oh shit i haven't written here in ages!
well. during the past week, my physical state has endured tremendous suffering. okay that sounds so melodramatic but it's definitely a change from what i've gotten used to, sleeping late and being lazy :p
i take BART into the city before 7:30am, 4 days a week. one day i fell asleep on the train and ended up at SFO airport so i was late to class, but it was okay, i didn't miss anything. even though i am generally exhausted lately, i can't get myself to go to bed at a reasonable time. i am staying up 'til at least 3-4am and waking up at 6:30. so i'm only getting a couple of hours each day, including wonderful naps with ian <3 ... i need to wake up even earlier than 6:30 so i have time for breakfast and possibly making my own lunch to bring with me, because it's expensive to buy it all the time. my dad gives me money for it, but i would rather use that money for other things. so i am limiting myself to one awesome SFSU burrito per week. sometimes i don't even eat lunch or dinner until i get back to concord, i'm just not hungry most of the time. i am mainly surviving on excessive amounts of caffeine..so i guess i need to work on that. surprisingly, i am very cheerful in spite of my loss of appetite, sleep and possibly my sanity! plus i am catching up on my sleep this weekend, hooray!

my media performance class is soooooo awesome. mostly we've been reading scripts out loud with emotional emphasis, which i am pretty good at. my professor, dina, praises me a lot, and i really thrive on that. everyone is very supportive toward one another, complimenting each other's voices and clapping often. we're going to do on-camera work soon, which is VERY fun, i'm enjoying this class a lot :)

my other class is fucking WEIRD. it's an anthro class called "endangered cultures" and basically we have formed groups within the class, and some of the groups are "enemies" and others are "allies" and we make up our own cultural rituals (handshakes, dances, chants, games, etc) and we PLAY all the time. seriously, we throw balls around and play tug of war and tightrope walking with everyone holding the rope tight, and 2 people supporting the person who is walking across. a lot of those teamwork / trust-building exercises. very touchy feely. i kind of think my professor is insane, but his heart is in the right place. he believes that the educational system puts too much stress on students and his generation has fucked up the youth, so he wants to stimulate us in a different way, he wants us to re-learn how to have FUN. at first i was really taken aback by his approach... i felt like i was in kindergarten, what the fuck is that? .. but i guess it will be alright. only 4 more weeks. it's kind of a mindfuck though. i feel like we are guinea pigs in a weird social experiment, and it's completely unpredictable, which is uncomfortable and scary.. i think we are going to have a "war" eventually, in which case i think i'll be a pacifist. every culture needs someone to stand up against the majority. i guess we'll see how it goes.

oh, and my interview for the hotel concierge job went very well!!! i'd only sent my resume before, i went back yesterday to fill out the official application so they have my social security number so they can HIRE ME!!!
drinking secret thoughts
Jun. 8th, 2009 @ 02:32 am rant rant rant /// monday is a big day!!
Feeling: OMG I NEED TO SLEEEP
well. it's time to rant. it is really long so i am putting this under a cut 0_0

dad + money + school + job frustration )

OKAY BASICALLY
the situation: i need money
dad's reaction: NO MONEY! NO JOB! NO NO NO NO!
my action: GET A JOB.

so i have an interview tomorrow!!!! (actually in about 14 hours. i say "tomorrow" because i haven't gone to bed yet but it's really late and i need to do that because GAH i have to be on BART in 5 hours for summer school gahhhh i need sleeeeep)

ANYWAY
the job is at a hotel near fisherman's wharf, for a shell vacations club concierge position that involves exploring activity options and making reservations for guests, and signing them up for timeshare info sessions (which include a free meal, lol). i'm very hopeful for this one. it's all about being helpful and enthusiastic about san francisco... I LOVE THIS CITY!! I CAN DO THIS!

happy birthday [info]sweeny_todd :)
starry city night
Jun. 7th, 2009 @ 02:18 am i'm really okay
Current Location: concord
Feeling: wonderfully weird
Music: santigold "l.e.s. artistes" <--so obsessed with this right now
tonight:
"i am open to absolutely anything in the world except losing you"

(...and BUTTSEX)

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my cat is curled up so warm and cozy sleeping on my bed right now. bliss.

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FUCK INTERNET SCAMS

i just emailed livejournal telling them to remove their advertisements for momsteethstory.com (or jennifersfirstblog.com) which is an offer for a free trial of "dazzle white" teeth whitening product, which is really a SNEAKY SCAM to steal money through unauthorized charges on people's credit cards. google dazzle white scam for more information.

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just found out this bitch i hated in high school had the nickname JIZZ. LOL I WONDER WHYYYY. she was such a fucking bitch, she stole sara's aerobics mat and then got in her face and threatened to fight her when sara pulled it out from under her and stole it back. of course she probably didn't know that sara's fist has broken noses. LOL OH HIGH SCHOOL

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i made ian a mix cd for his birthday. you wouldn't believe how much time i spent on it. chose the songs based on lyrics and sound and everything i want to say that makes more sense in music, tried to include some stuff he probably doesn't already have, listened to the intros/outros of every song, rearranged them to make sure they sounded good together. it's the best thing i've ever made for someone. he deserves it.

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i found my overalls in a drawer and immediately put them on and they are so perfect comfortable happy. i don't care if they aren't "cool" anymore. they are me.

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watched the movie CHOKE. it was HILARIOUS. and sad and cute and a little disturbing. exactly my kind of movie.

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wheat-thins are my best friend lately. i miss eating them with emily. i need to stop missing her so much and crying into cracker boxes... no, i'm not crying into cracker boxes, i just like the way that sounds

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i made all of these lines exactly the same length

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i want to write some goddamn fiction.
moist angry pussy!
Jun. 1st, 2009 @ 04:54 pm sighs.
Current Location: concord
Feeling: crappy
i've been depressed and lonely and angsty all day. garrr. stop it!
i think i need to a) eat something besides cookies and b) get out of the house.

i'm also disheartened by the murder of abortion provider Dr. George Tiller.

my friend Megan wrote this about it. (thanks for letting me repost)

This is really weighing on my heart. When women received the devastating news that their late-term fetuses were afflicted with health problems that would cause them to live very brief lives full of pain and suffering, they crossed state lines to receive compassionate care from Dr. Tiller. Now there is no Dr. Tiller. He was shot walking into his church. Risking his own life every day, enduring ceaseless attacks and harassment, to help desperate women when nobody else would--that was his crime. He was one of the few legal late-term abortion providers left in the country. Eventually, fundamentalists chanting "life"--the most perverse irony there ever was--will make them extinct. And women will be forced once again to bleed to death in back alleys. The criminal who killed Dr. Tiller didn't take just one life; he significantly contributed to the future deaths of countless women who will have no choice. My only consolation in this whole tragedy is that Dr. Tiller is finally at peace. I just wish his peace didn't have to come like this.
drinking secret thoughts
May. 31st, 2009 @ 11:39 pm stuff ...
Current Location: concord
Feeling: productive
Music: sufjan stevens "henney buggy band"
i've been doing a lot. mostly organizing and sorting out clothes and other things i don't need. i have several bags ready to go, and i'm not done yet. it feels good to overcome my packratty tendencies. woo!

i am looking forward to:
july 21st - no doubt! with alison, laura and bridget! my mom and i got the tickets today :D
july 24th - of montreal! it will be my third time seeing them. i'm obsessed. :D !!!!!

oh, and thank you craigslist? )
hooray for warm cats!
May. 27th, 2009 @ 10:58 am DON'T PANIC!
Current Location: ian's apartment
Feeling: a bit uneasy, but much calmer
well i guess i caught bridget's wedding bug...
i've been contemplating The Future ... which leads to a lot of unnecessary doubt and fear about possibilities that will not become reality for a long, long time. sigh.

(it is also not a good idea to contemplate and discuss these things after you have been drinking)

i don't want love to get in the way of life. i told ian that he and i should both have adventures, travel ... he wants to study abroad in england, but that will be over a year from now. i need to stop pressing the panic button. he said he has no plans to leave me, but no matter what happens, i'll be alright.

of course, that is the truth. :/

we have so many years ahead of us, i know we will share our lives as whatever we're meant to be.

fortune cookie message on his desk: "The future comes one day at a time."

in other news, i drank champagne and sang "all that jazz" at karaoke last night, really sang my heart out and i felt amazing, it was EPIC.
um, especially if "epic" translates as "damn girl, you're really holding the mic too close and the building is kind of shaking"
but it felt so fucking good!!!!!
starry city night
May. 26th, 2009 @ 06:06 pm so it goes.
Current Location: ian's apartment
Feeling: relaxed
(ian is napping so i'm on his computer, hehe)

the semester is over. i'm still waiting for most of my grades, but not really worried.

emily has returned to england, i miss her voice and her shoes in our living room.

and i moved back to concord. hello uncompromising sunshine and annoying proximity to parents. granted, it's not as awful as it could be, but i'm not as happy there. i've been trying to cheer myself up by cuddling my bitch kitty, seeing a few friends (laura, nick, nicole!) and driving whilst blasting and singing my favorite letters to cleo album, "aurora gory alice" ... and enjoying the fact that i don't have to do laundry or drag my groceries on the bus or watch nasty dishes pile up in the kitchen sink... yes, there are perks to this humble abode in suburbia. but dammit, i want my san francisco. i feel so trapped and isolated... even though most of my friends are in the east bay (hey, wanna hang out??? let's do it, people!)

my new cell phone # is 415-318-0639, in case anyone needs it.

what else is new...

WHAT THE HELL, CALIFORNIA. prop 8 needs to die. there is a protest march from SF city hall to yerba buena center right now. http://twitter.com/stop8dotorg
finally watched a scanner darkly - holy shit what a masterpiece.
read vonnegut's play "happy birthday, wanda june" - good stuff.
bought a fantastic bag and jeans and a fucking awesome robot shirt
which is a little ironic since my #1 goal for the summer is to GET RID OF SHIT...i have so many clothes and lots of junk i don't use or need, it's ridiculous. time to let things go. i have an enormous suitcase of cds i need to sort through, upload some to my computer and then sell most of them.
summer goal #2 is to READ A LOT.

awww ian is slightly awake, i'm going to pounce on him :D
sing out lovely
May. 19th, 2009 @ 04:38 pm 0_0
Feeling: okay
Music: vampire weekend "M79"
so this is what i did yesterday:

studied for my first final
took the final - and it went well!
ate lunch
washed dishes
emptied the dishwasher
took out the trash and recycling
did laundry
packed a shit ton of stuff
sold textbooks back to the bookstore ($46.50 for 3 books, sweet!)
called my mom
emailed info for my group project
went to ian's :)
sexytime!
edited my ksfs radio demo
came home
cooked spaghetti
cleaned the living room
removed posters/staples/tape from the walls and windows
packed another shit ton of stuff
went to bed at 4am

and this is what i did today:

continued packing
drank two glasses of wine
ate lunch with emily - yay burrito day!
voted!
got a luggage cart and continued packing...
completely filled up my mom's car with stuff
made plans for my dad to come early friday morning to take the rest of it home
took a shower
felt proud of my EXTREME PRODUCTIVITY and decided to tell you guys about it

what i still need to do:

do 13 more "creative journal entries" for my science class. (possibly get high first)
maybe study for the science final but i am not really concerned about it
make sure someone is doing the paper for my group project (i hope it's not me)
pack up the kitchen things and random stuff
clean the bathroom and kitchen, clean out the fridge, vaccuum (roommates will definitely help with this)

.... that's not so bad!
krazy sneaker love
May. 14th, 2009 @ 01:18 am oh my.
Feeling: drained
my crazy friend cassie brought special brownies and cheesecake to radio yesterday and today and i've been intensely stoned for the past 2 days. ahhhh

yeah... definitely enough of that O_O

the camaraderie here is awesome. so many people have melted into the couches in our station lounge.

i like being part of this group. it's nice to belong somewhere.



"i can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning
my back hurts pretty much constantly
i'm working two jobs and full-time classes
i have criminal charges looming over my head
...and you're what gets me through it"
resting here i am okay
May. 12th, 2009 @ 04:40 pm what what (in the butt)
Feeling: grateful
Music: ambient living room window noise
went to class, boring boring, came home sleepy and tummy-achey, smoked a bit...

took a hot shower, my fingers were having trouble untangling my hair, a war of the body parts...

massaged my head and combed my hair forever. i recommend it. my temples were nearly cooing (assuming they had the vocal ability).

dressed up cute, grinned at my pretty tits, brushed my teeth.

and then i read poetry. by a man that emily told me about, when we saw a blip of leo dicaprio playing him in a movie on logo (the totally awesomely gay channel)...

arthur rimbaud. a very intriguing french writer from the late 1800s. he started young and stopped writing at age 21, just refused to do it anymore. and he is considered a genius writer. he loved an older man. here are some very sexy poems (translated by wyatt mason)

i love these. )
feet in the air i got no cares
May. 10th, 2009 @ 07:58 pm rockin' the guitar dress!
Feeling: amused
at beca bash, the end-of-the-year party/prom for all the cool radio & tv kids. i had fun!

more photos )
jolly pink blob swirlies
May. 5th, 2009 @ 12:40 am in which carrie returns to lj-land
Feeling: touched
Music: stars "what i'm trying to say"
this is a favorite song these days
I am trying to say
What I want to say
Without having to say
"I love you"

You look so good in the shoes of an outcast
I kissed your throat every time they said it wouldn't last
But then I knew you, I knew you, I knew you
I really knew you...


ohhh life. half a month without an lj entry is weird for me, i'm not letting that happen again.. i love remembering the little things. i need the stories. i don't want them to fade into the foggy memory of time.

coachella was AMAZING!!!!!!! i'll post some photos eventually. my carpool was great and not at all stressful this time, hooray for non-flakes! viktor, fiona, francisco and i listened to fun music and everything went smoothly. i camped with my friends brett and nichole, which was awesome because they are awesome AND they came prepared. the icy-cool kiddie pool was the BEST IDEA EVER. and of course i saw lots and lots of music..

highlights that made me go AHHH YOU ARE AMAZING, I NEED TO DOWNLOAD ALL OF YOUR MUSIC RIGHT NOW were the friendly fires (i danced the entire time), yeah yeah yeahs (holy shit awesome!) calexico, noah and the whale, and lykke li.

the bands i loved pre-coachella and even more so during coachella were fleet foxes (beautiful set at the outdoor theater as the sun finally set), amanda palmer (brilliant performer and fucking sexy in her corset, stockings, garter belt and huge black boots), beirut (simply amazing), the cure (yes, dudes wearing eyeliner are still the sex), and silversun pickups (ahh i just love them)

also thoroughly enjoyed conor oberst (wearing a sombrero!), ariel pink's haunted graffiti (VERY cool), thievery corporation, the orb, molotov and franz ferdinand. AND the killers and paul mccartney while i was awake for them.. um, i have a tendency to fall asleep during the headliners. thanks marijuana! my friend brady sat with me during mccartney and he later told me that people were staring at me sleeping and asking if i was okay. oops ^_^

i do regret not checking out some bands but perhaps i will have another chance to catch them.

after coachella i had a nasty cold for a week, i STILL have a lingering cough but it's not so bad anymore

i've been seeing a therapist for a while and i've started meds for bipolar II / depression / anxiety. it will take a few more weeks to gradually increase my dose to a regular level, and then we will see if it helps. i am very hopeful that my scary rapid-cycling mood swings will chill out. lately i have been seriously over-reacting, becoming enraged, upset or terrified by small things that do not deserve such strong emotions, and am often on the verge of tears for no real reason. it is overwhelming. ian and emily have been very supportive and i am grateful for them. especially ian, for your patience, warm arms, and :) text messages.

i am so completely gooey omelet cheese in the knees for this one. :)
i feel really, really good with him. :)
:)

even with generally rampant emotions, i feel so much joy in the times of genuine happiness.

i recently spent a late afternoon curled up in a cozy sweater on a bench on campus, reading a good book and watching the fog drift in. i feel charmed and serene when i enjoy the beauty here, always unfolding around me.

san francisco, california - the city of my heart.
so much magic.

and
so many mushrooms.
still can't believe how easy it was. ask around near hippie hill, that's all there is to it.

so, tonight emily and i shroomed for the first time together. giggles and soul. midnight lavender sky. life sparkle wind. what a night. i have never laughed so hard and so much in my life.

ian hung out with us for most of the evening, and i am happy he was there.

we took a trip downstairs to the market for slices of pizza. laughing laughing. extremely uncoordinated and aware of everything. like we noticed the distinct orange and blue pastel colors of a ceiling light, and emily accidentally poured SO MUCH OREGANO on her plate. then we decided ian should have a silent Q in his name? and if he ever needs a pseudonym, he should use "Montgomery Q" :D

then, so much fun back in the apartment. emily sniffing tequila, me rolling off the couch in laughter... i don't remember it all, so i'm very excited to watch the embarrassing videos ian captured of this part of the night.

we watched a magical movie, "mr. magorium's wonder emporium" - an adorable film starring dustin hoffman and natalie portman that i had never heard of until i saw it in the clearance section at amoeba, i simply had to buy it... and it was perfect. lovely aesthetics, tender moments, happy colors, MAGIC. emily and i gazed in awe with our mouths open at the most wonderful scenes. it is the PERFECT movie for this kind of night, and it's definitely worth watching any other time.

(side note: i also recently watched "the professional" [or "leon" as it is known in england] and absolutely fell in love with FANTASTIC young natalie portman in her first film role, and everything else about the film. i already want to watch it again!!! and i bought it for $3 at amoeba! cheers to emily for finding it for me)

after our magical movie adventure, ian went home and emily and i went for a walk. we took the stairs down from our 5th floor apartment. the stairs feel so solid and heavy, concrete beneath our feet, but they are actually not very thick and we were amazed by this contradiction. we explored the parking garage beneath our building, found many huge plastic containers filled with telephones. i grabbed onto a pipe and i was swinging in the air like a child until i lost my grip and my hands were wet and dirty but outside i cleaned them with rainwater on plants. we walked in the misty night, breezy and not too chilly. the sky was midnight lavender, a dark dark purple blue. the calm before and after the rains. everything was wet and glistening, so beautiful. we stood in pools of yellow light and realized the campus light poles have individual numbers printed on them. #13, #21. we touched the plants and wanted to become like them, trees with roots and limbs and leaves, standing strong as the wind brushed our rosy cheeks. we whirled around on the path made of so many tiny stones, pebbles and sand. we wondered where they came from, and what the earth would be without them. we talked about elements in nature, fire earth water wind. decided we need to visit a bonfire at ocean beach. pure energy, light of consciousness. they don't have sandy beaches in england, emily loves the sand here. i find it a nuisance that gets everywhere but i realize that i am lucky to have it so near.

when it began to rain we walked back to the apartment, me loudly "singing in the rain" and emily telling me to hush so as not to attract attention. we rode the elevator with two RAs, but no trouble. then we sat in the living room and came down with shakespeare. there is nothing like ending a shroom experience with a british friend reading shakespeare to you at midnight. emily introduced me to titus andronicus which features two brothers raping a girl and then cutting off her hands and tongue so she cannot write or speak of the deed. later this girl's father bakes the men's heads in a pie and feeds it to their mother. HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT!?!??
totoro sprouts umbrella so cute
Apr. 16th, 2009 @ 04:58 am ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Feeling: crazy (and sleep-deprived)
the good news: i finished all my school shit YAY

the bad news: it's almost 5am and i am wide awake O_o

more good news: i win at life! and this is why )
sing out lovely
Apr. 15th, 2009 @ 11:11 pm djfkkgl
Feeling: crazy
today i had an awesome conversation about gak and pogs and carmen sandiego and the magic school bus. AM I MS. FRIZZLE?? YES.

my boy neighbors are yelling in the hall & being generally ridiculous. the other day they had a nerf gun fight. it was INTENSE

GUESS WHAT ELSE IS INTENSE

COACHELLA CAMPING!!!!! of course most camping is in-tents but coachella is the fucking queen of IN-TENTS-CITY!!!!!! lol ... sorry, enough of that ;)

aaaaaa i'm crazy excited!!!! leaving tomorrow night!!!!!!!!

but tonight i have to startfinish a pesky research paper. and other homework...

oh and i got a new phone with better service! very happy about this, but also very broke =[

....COACHELLA!!!!!!!!
totoro sprouts umbrella so cute

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